Looking at the divorce statistics, we can assume that people have forgotten how to choose each other. After some year, two, five years, a man and a woman have the idea that they did not get along in character. Coming to therapy and starting to figure out why this happened, many are surprised that the signals that this is “not my person” were already on the first date. Aif.ru spoke with gestalt therapist Olga Moshenskaya, to find out how and what men and women should talk about at the first meetings, in order to choose their own person among many people.
We want to find our soulmate so badly that we often skip the very first phase of communication, pre-contact, in our haste. This is the time when a person needs to orient himself in a new environment, in a new company, take a closer look, and then settle down in such a way as to feel good. This is necessary in order not to skip the stage of forming a sense of security next to a stranger. If a man or woman does not pay attention to this and begins to ignore their feelings in order to please another or not offend someone, then suppressing their feelings causes internal tension. It tends to accumulate, and until recently, people who were pleasant to each other begin to get annoyed and distance themselves.
Fall in love soon
When we get to know someone, we see only how the other looks, what he does and what he says. All other parties are usually unknown. Since there is quite a bit of information about a stranger or a stranger, and the desire to close this issue as soon as possible is quite strong, the psyche begins to build up the available information and the image of a person to a “good” or “familiar” figure. For example, the girl Anna, on a date with Dmitry, sees him as a handsome, broad-shouldered man who talks a lot. Her brain, in order to satisfy the need for love, completes the picture to a “familiar” image: he is as strong and kind as my dad or brother. Or to the “good” image that Anna saw in the soul-touching melodrama. And Anna begins to hang beads of non-existent virtues on a man: she doesn’t drink, she doesn’t smoke, she gives flowers, she will call her mother-in-law mother, and so on. Thus, “prince” Dmitry appears before Anna’s eyes, who has nothing to do with the man she met half an hour ago.
It is important to know about this feature of your thinking and learn to notice it, stopping at the very source. If Anna does not want to do this, she will unconsciously begin to ignore and devalue internal signals when she becomes uncomfortable in the company of this person. Ignoring your sensitivity, you can miss aggression, rudeness towards yourself or other important “touches to the portrait” of a person who directly say: “Where did you go? What are you doing here? Leave soon. This man is not your hero!”
Like – don’t like
The first meetings are the time when you can get to know a person in the process of sincere communication. On the one hand, this is a date, and on the other, a big job, in which it is necessary to fully include sensitivity to yourself, attentiveness, observation and make a choice every moment: I am pleased – I am unpleasant, I want – I do not want, it suits me – I don’t fits.
In addition, the main indicator of high-quality communication is the presence of spontaneity among those who communicate. As much as anyone can allow themselves to be themselves, speak openly about how they feel, or what they don’t like or don’t like, without fear of being thought badly of or rejected. Spontaneity helps build easy relationships from the first minute of meeting. However, it is quite difficult to be spontaneous and natural, because both Anna and Dmitry can have fears, worries, and unpleasant past relationship experiences.
What to talk about on a date?
Talk about everything that is important to you: money, children, religion, sex, politics, and so on. This will provide an opportunity to see how free and open you can be in communicating with this person and how he will react to topics that may be unexpected for him. If Anna or Dmitry sit and are afraid to ask or speak about something, but instead think: “How will he (s) react? Suddenly she (he) does not like what I say? What will he (s) say?”, then for a start it is worth asking yourself the question: “Why do we need such a relationship in which I am afraid to say a word?”. In a couple, in marriage, the most important thing is how a woman feels next to this man and how a man feels next to this woman. How much Anna and Dmitry converge, how similar or different their life values, they will be able to find out only in natural communication, in which there are no words “should”, “must” or categorical statements. By listening to your inner reactions, you will notice where you match with the intended partner, and where you do not.
When going on a date, it is important to pay attention to what goal you set. If this is “finding a spouse”, then you should pay attention to the fact that behind this there may be rigid attitudes, rules that were formed in the past, but now they may prevent you from seeing a person. It is worth trying to learn how to be in the process of communication, being interested in the person opposite, recognizing him, considering and observing what works and what does not work. If all this is not interesting, but there is a strong desire to urgently get married or find the one, then it is better to first go to a psychologist and deal with your anxiety and haste. They are poor allies in recognizing their desires and in making decisions. To begin with, it’s worth calming down, relaxing and understanding what I like, what I generally love and want. To do this, it is important not only to find time for going on dates between work and home, but also to have other interests: meeting friends, going to the cinema, going to the skating rink, walking in the park. Everything that you like and where you can meet a potential partner who is interested in the same things as you.