Mom is a woman whose mood affects the internal state of the child. From birth, the baby tries to attract attention and win over his mother with his smile. Then at school, the child makes crafts, postcards to please her. Growing up, already adult children unconsciously continue to try to make their mother happy in order to see the joy in her eyes. These attempts sometimes reach the point that a man is taking to Paris not his beloved, but his mother. The daughter buys an apartment for her mother in order to transport her from her drinking father. Or a child gives his entire salary to his mother, leaving himself only for food. All these children live according to the principle: “First for mom, then for yourself.” But, as a rule, the matter never reaches itself, because the mother turns out to be always “hungry”. The child never manages to satiate it. Aif.ru turned to psychodramatist Olga Malininato figure out how to make your mom happy once and for all, to start living your life.
Spoiler alert: Mom cannot be made happy.
Why is it beneficial to have a hundred friends?
If both children and parents are capable, then it would be good if both of them had spouses or lovers, close and distant relatives, friends, colleagues, neighbors, members of various communities with whom they spend a lot of time and share their hobbies , hobbies, joys and sorrows. In a healthy person, the environment, not connected with close family members, occupies a large part of his reality. The less a person has a social circle with whom he can share his life, the more he risks being left alone and the more he hangs expectations on the person next to him, be it a spouse, mother, father, daughter or son. A simple conclusion follows from this: if, for example, a mother invests a lot of time and energy in her child, limiting all other areas of her life, then it is not surprising that she will want him to return dividends to her in the form of help, money, care, communication, admiration and other things. If a child’s whole life is concentrated only on his mother, then he will greatly depend on her mood and well-being. The less the life of parents is tied to the life of adult children, the better for everyone.
Why do you want to make your mom happy?
There is no smoke without fire. Not every child will come up with such an idea. If she came, you can look for the root cause or their combination:
- mother demonstrates helplessness in solving any of her problems. She says, “I can’t.” It can be both objective and subjective. The main thing is that this happens all the time, and the son or daughter is actively involved, without checking how in reality the mother herself is not able to do this.
- mother makes her child responsible for her emotional well-being. Children often hear from her: “If you give birth to a grandson, I will be happy” or “If I had the opportunity to go to the sea like you have …” or “If I had a big pension, I would also dress myself bought like you. Thus, emphasizing that her happiness directly depends on the actions of her adult child, or she would also like to live as her child allows herself.
- or mom says directly: “I invested a lot of time and money in you. Now you have to take care of me the same way” or “I’m for you…”. She emphasizes: she gave birth to a child and raised her so that he would support her in her old age and embody everything that she refused
Mom is easier than other women
Quite often, it is much easier to build relationships with your mother than with your other half. It is necessary to negotiate with her all the time, argue somewhere, agree on something, and categorically refuse something. Mom in this regard is more understandable and predictable: mom quarreled with dad – you need to reconcile them, dad drank – he needs to be calmed down and put to bed. Even if in childhood the mother was strict and distant, then in adulthood she can become warm, accepting and supportive, giving everything that was not enough. Already an adult child from an internal deficit grabs at the last hope to get his mother’s love.
Where is the line between help and salvation?
There are situations when parents objectively have a lot of difficulties or a difficult period in their lives. In this case, it is important not to cross the line beyond which the child begins to sacrifice his life. An example is when one of the parents dies and the children decide to support the remaining parent for some time, being included in his life as much as possible.
If, for example, a mother dies, who devoted her whole life to saving her alcoholic husband, then at the funeral, the daughter or son can hear directly from the father or from other “benevolent” relatives: “Now all hope is on you.” So they are trying to pass the baton of salvation from a dead mother to a living adult child. If he is bad with boundaries and has a strong sense of guilt, then he will unconsciously take the place of his mother and begin to help his drinking dad endlessly, trying to do the impossible.
Disappointment is a way to stop saving
Someone who is actively trying to make mom happy or save dad has a feeling that they can actually do it. For example, a girl lived in a family where her father drank and beat her mother. She complained to her daughter and said that she would have left, but she had nowhere to go. The girl grows up, works hard in order to fulfill her mother’s dream. She buys an apartment in another city and brings it there without her dad. But, to the surprise of the woman, after some time her mother transports her drinking aggressive dad to her.
In order to admit to oneself that it is impossible to make another happy, sometimes one has to experience the shocking truth when the mother’s words about the desire to leave her drinking husband turn out to be untrue. Although the mother’s behavior may be perceived as betrayal, very often it is healing and gives freedom from the idea of being a savior for parents.
An oppressive sense of duty
Countless attempts to buy something for mom or take her somewhere may indicate that the child is trying in this way to pay for his inner sense of duty to his parents. In order not to squeeze all the juice out of yourself, you need to learn to understand what is really possible to do for parents without compromising their own lives, and what is not.
For example, a mother lives in another city or country and needs help. Objectively, a daughter or son may abandon their usual way of life and return to care for her. In this case, their quality of life will deteriorate because they will sacrifice their careers, relationships, friends. It is worth asking yourself the question: “Is this an adequate price? Is it worth sacrificing your life for another person to live? Why isn’t my life as valuable as my mom’s? By answering these questions, it may be possible to find an alternative way. But it may also be that a person will meet his own limitations: he now does not have enough money and opportunities to give up everything or at least hire a nurse. In this case, it is worth doing only what is real in his power, without trying to become omnipotent.
Games that hurt
If a child begins to play the game that his mother, father or both parents cannot live their lives without him, he will disable them even more, turning them into home furniture. The exception is a really lying person who needs constant help. However, even if deeply elderly people are left with the opportunity to independently equip their lives and their lives, they still have a sense of autonomy and their own significance: “My life depends on me. If I don’t water the flower, it will wither. If I don’t go to the store, I won’t have bread.” This is clearly seen in those old people who, even after 80 years, are faster and more active than many young people. However, getting out of the neglected and long-running game of saving mom is hard work. In trying to abandon the past scenario, one has to go through a stage where the child feels bad and hurts the parents. Unfortunately, there is no other way to end this than to make the final choice: personal well-being or mom’s.