Love or violence. How do children pay for the choice of a university by their parents? | Psychology of life | Health

Early summer. Graduation party.. Unified State Examination. Someone has already decided on the university, someone else chooses, and for someone, everything was decided by the parents. They chose an institution, a profession, and even outlined where their child would go to work after graduation. They also have experience. “We know what is best for our child. What can a 17-year-old brat or a brat decide?! They haven’t seen life yet. Not like us!” – perhaps this is exactly what parents think, determining for their children how to live and who to study. spoke with psychodramatherapist Olga Malinina about what parents’ attempts to send their children to study at the “right” universities and “prestigious” professions lead to.

Our children are extensions of ourselves!

Quite often, parents view their children as narcissistic extensions of themselves. The child is not an independent individual who decides how to live and what choices to make. Most likely, he is perceived as someone who must meet the expectations of adults, who at any moment are ready to correct him, complete or completely redo him. That is, the child is considered as an object that must be made perfect, worthy and “correct”. There may be various reasons behind this attitude of adults.

I didn’t have it, so you must have it. If adults did not have the opportunity to get a decent education, but had hard work and lack of any opportunities, then they can try to compensate for their deficits and failures through the education of their children. Thus protecting the younger generation from repeating their fate.

I have everything worked out, so you need the same. Parents who have received a college education and built their careers because of it, may decide that it is also suitable for their child. So they try to guarantee the “well-being” of their children.

“Look what I did! Isn’t that brilliant!” Among the parents there are those who care that the child was a reason for pride and celebration. So that they can brag to their relatives or neighbors: “Mine entered Moscow State University himself!” Anything that does not fit into the view of adults is swept aside and prohibited.

In all three cases, the child, as a person, falls out of sight of the parents. Adults do not think about how much their ideas and dreams about the future correspond to the interests and desires of their children. Sometimes not only the subjective side of the issue in the form of the child’s unwillingness does not match, but also the objective one, when he does not have the appropriate indicators, characteristics, traits to realize parental expectations. The situation is aggravated if the parents do not notice, ignore, devalue the desire of the child and want a different fate for him. For example, a girl likes to draw, and she is sent to study in IT. Either the girl dreams of becoming a kindergarten teacher and working with children, but her parents decided that a lawyer is a more profitable profession. Either the young man wants to be a cook, but he is sent to the Faculty of Physics and Mathematics. It is much better if parents ask their children what they dream about.

He doesn’t know what he wants

There are situations when the child does not know what he wants. In this case, parents can try to offer different options: “We notice that you like doing this and that. How do you feel about going to study at … or …?” Such a proposal will be more like a dialogue that takes into account the wishes of the child than a directive. Do not forget that parents can force their son or daughter to go to the “right” university. However, such stories rarely end with the child thanking the ancestors for their choice.

Parents pressed on. A directive decision does not always end fatally.

Got hooked and liked it. This happens if the child did not know what he wanted, and the choice of the parents coincided with the inclinations of the child, and in the process of learning they were revealed.

Here is your diploma. Some people can unlearn on the moral and volitional qualities of character, defend a diploma, and then throw it to their parents and go to work in a completely different area.

But not everyone has willpower. Someone suffers and leaves the university after the first or second year. Someone goes on academic leave for a break, stretching out the hated training. Someone can not cope and brings himself to panic attacks or depression. By the third or fourth year of such training, the student runs out of strength. But this is not the saddest option.

Midlife crisis. A person studies where his parents said. Then he goes to work in his specialty, but by the age of forty he falls into a serious crisis. It is not always possible to see this by the amount of money earned, but it is well felt by the dull eyes and the lack of motivation to develop in this profession. The sooner a person admits to himself that this is not his dream, but his mother’s, the higher the chance that he will find his path and be realized in it. You should not count on the fact that self-violence, albeit with noble motives, will pass without consequences.

The price of a mistake

A young man can make the wrong choice, just like his parents. But by suppressing the will, adults can not only fail to guess, but also deprive their child of the right to vote. If at eighteen he changes a couple of universities and professions, this is one price. If he agrees, endure five years, then go to an unloved job and wake up at forty with antidepressants or a glass of wine in his hand – this is a different price. The main task of adults helping children is not to overwhelm.

How to protect a child from mistakes?

If you try to remember your classmates, acquaintances and their fates, it becomes clear that neither a good education nor its absence guarantees a quality, happy life for a child. However, the stubbornness and pressure of parents can ruin relationships with children. If parents are worried about their child and his choice, then you should ask yourself the question: “What is more important to me:“ The happiness of the child, my relationship with him or the opportunity to brag to the neighbors and do it my own way? Also, do not forget that today life makes different demands than 10, 20, and even more so 30 years ago, and the experience of parents may not be relevant.


Leave a Reply