Relationships are another quest that not everyone manages to complete. Some women are given armfuls of roses and Mercedes, while others are humiliated and insulted. Some husbands are waiting for their beautiful wives and well-groomed children from work, while others are cheated on. These are extremes. However, in real life, the question sometimes arises: “Why does he or she behave this way? I’m trying so hard.” Aif.ru spoke with Gestalt therapist Alloi Bazhan about why it may seem to a woman or a man that they are investing in a relationship, but reality says otherwise.
From early childhood, every child, both boys and girls, learns relationships through copying and repetition. First, babies copy their moms, then dads, and then other adults. We do not notice how we grow up and unconsciously send to our parents what we once received from them. For some reason, it’s not always love and gratitude. We then unconsciously engage in copying and mirroring in our relationship with our loved one. Sometimes it may seem that you are sending him love, but resentment, laziness, apathy, indifference, connivance, or something more unpleasant suddenly arrives in response.
love love strife
You can love and ask for nothing in return. Enjoy the presence of another and yourself next to him. You can love and wish well: “Eat jam, because it is healthy.” And between the lines: “It doesn’t matter if you like it or not. The main thing is that I decided so for two. You can inflict “love for good” by checking the phone, throwing away the things of a loved one, indulging his weaknesses or tempting him. In each of the three cases, the response will be different.
Love is felt not only through words, but also through actions, respect for the feelings and opinions of another, through trust and openness. Through the fact that the other feels heard and seen. If the words say: “I love you,” but all actions indicate that his opinions, requests and desires are neglected, then this is not love at all.
“Why are you so kind?” – sometimes I want to ask. There are no perfect people in the world. If we live with someone, we meet with its various manifestations, including not the most pleasant ones. If, for example, a woman can afford to express her displeasure freely, she will say: “I don’t like what you did.” So in a couple, new agreements are clarified and established. If a woman is kind all the time, then outwardly she shows a beautiful picture of a patient, understanding and accepting wife, but inside she accumulates aggression and grows fangs. Such stories quite often occur in families with alcohol addicts, when a woman cooks and does everything around the house, and works at two jobs, and drags her husband on herself. And she may not say anything with words, but anger boils inside her: “You are such a beast! I do everything, I am strong, and you are weak!” However, a man well feels and reads the context of disrespect and humiliation, giving an answer with his fists, including to hidden meanings. Or vice versa, a woman screams with all the fibers of her soul that she is an unfortunate victim and he ruined her whole life, but at the same time remains in a relationship. She herself is unhappy and ruins the lives of others. Although in her perception she may feel like a holy woman sacrificing herself for the sake of a loved one.
Suppressed or pronounced aggression indicates that the balance between giving and taking has been disturbed in a couple. If one gives-gives-gives all the time, he becomes devastated and starts to get angry. If only he takes-takes-takes, then he begins to feel guilty and an unbearable debt. Anger should be legalized in relationships and openly expressed in a timely dialogue and restoration of balance, and not in breakdowns, scandals, fights or the unexpected quiet but abrupt departure of one of the partners.
I love you, but I love myself too
In a relationship, it is important not only to talk about what you like or dislike, but it is equally important not to forget about yourself. If a person does not know how to love himself, does not know his needs and desires, cannot speak openly about them, then he will not be able to notice another with his limitations, capabilities and needs. When a person does not notice himself, he directs all his love and tenderness to another. He only does this because he wants to get the same thing in return. Inside him, the fear of losing a person and a relationship with him blossoms. He becomes afraid of his negative feelings, as a result he becomes very comfortable and patient.
When a person loves too much and pays too much attention, controlling and saying that he cannot or does not want to live without another, then in response, as a rule, he receives aggression and anger. This is because the initially unconscious message of the lover is very aggressive in nature. He dreams of completely capturing and mastering a person. If it is translated into words, then the following may turn out: “I want you to devote your whole life to me and satisfy only my desires.” Reciprocal irritation is an attempt to throw off a “sucking leech” from oneself, which is trying to drink all the life force, and not a strange reaction to sincere love, as it may seem to a loving person.
Freedom and hobbies
A person who has various hobbies and hobbies always arouses admiration, and in some ways it can be envy, which inspires and pushes to find one’s own interests. Broadcasting his pleasure from himself and from life, a person in response receives sympathy, interest and the need to move forward together or follow his beloved. A partner is someone from whom we always learn something. The lack of common interests or the desire to learn something new is the third area, after money and sex, which is talked about as the reasons for parting and cooling feelings.
Excitement, flirting and sex
Women don’t really like to be the initiators of sex. Foolish upbringing and the stereotype “a woman does not want, does not ask, but sits and waits” stop them, despite their inner desire. In fact, it is also important for men to feel desired and needed. It is important for them that not only they go out of their way to excite a woman, but also that a woman, with her gentle, fluid voice, takes the initiative through play, touch, and the manifestation of her feelings.
Masquerade or theater of two actors
Mask of a strong woman. To date, this is perhaps the most beloved popular fancy dress in a relationship. Women are afraid to show their tears, weakness and vulnerability. Even less do they want to know that men also have their fears and weaknesses. Men, seeing this, play along, pretending to be superheroes. Both partners do not understand that in this way they deprive themselves of intimacy and warmth in a relationship. By sincerely showing our different feelings, we become more understandable to the other and less dangerous.
Relationships are theater. Everything that is on the stage was somehow brought by the participants themselves. In order to learn to understand how it turned out what happened, you need to learn to see cause-and-effect relationships, take responsibility for what is happening and honestly recognize what is sent to your loved one not only directly, but also between the lines.