First kiss, first love… First sex. What was it like for you, if you already had it? Do you think about what it will be like if it hasn’t happened yet? If we consider the traditions of various peoples, then the first sexual intercourse was given great importance. This is a kind of initiation into adulthood. If you do not prepare for it, it does not always go smoothly and according to plan. Aif.ru spoke with psychologist-sexologist Olga Paramonova about how the first sex affects all further intimate life and what to do if he left negative memories.
There is such a thing as imprinting. This is the fixation of certain information in memory. Quite often, the imprint occurs at the time of the first sexual intercourse. If the first time went well, without adventure, stress, fiasco, then what can I say, and if not, then there may be various consequences. That is why it is important to carefully choose the first partner, prepare the place where the act will take place, stock up on time and think over other details.
“Ugh. Why is everyone turning on sex?”
Such a reaction can be experienced by those who, at the time of the first sexual intercourse, experienced pain instead of pleasure and orgasm. This is especially true for girls who agreed to have sex with an insensitive and cold man or were subjected to violence. If we talk about violence, then it may not be aggressive, but perennial on the part of the father, stepfather, brother, uncle or someone else. As a rule, an adult passes this off as the norm or scares a girl. In this case, sex ceases to be perceived as a consequence and at the same time the continuation of relations with a loved one. Because of the blurring of personal boundaries, sex becomes just sex that can be done anywhere and with anyone.
If you look at the stories of men, you can see how, out of fear of failing with their girlfriend, they go to “training” with an adult “experienced” woman. Someone resorts to the services of prostitutes. So the young men try to train themselves before an important event. They do not think about the fact that their most important first sexual intercourse takes place in some unknown place, with no one knows with whom, sometimes in rather strange circumstances and often while intoxicated. Nevertheless, all this, as a rule, does not prevent the guy from experiencing his first orgasm. This is where the imprinting effect comes into play. The young man trained, the already experienced returned to his young beautiful girlfriend, and on a walk they were met by a woman similar to the one with whom he had his first time. The guy has an erection for a stranger, but he does not understand why. Such a story can be repeated over and over and over again, until he realizes to go to a sexologist and deal with it. And there it turns out that at the moment of the first orgasm, his psyche captured the image of this, perhaps truly terrible stranger, as desirable and exciting.
And this is not the worst!
Not all men reach a sexologist, many live a double life: with their beloved life, and with the “first” orgasms. But this is not the worst option either. The nuances of the process may be added to the story of the accidental first woman. Imagine that at the moment of orgasm someone enters the room, exclaims or slams the door. In the psyche of a man, a point with an orgasm freezes: fright, a loud sound, danger, pleasure. In this case, in order to achieve the following orgasms, it may be necessary to combine all these circumstances. And it’s not so easy.
Let’s add STONS to all this (syndrome of anxious expectation of sexual failures). If imprinting has fixed circumstances that complicate the achievement of orgasm, then a man, realizing this, may begin to worry, fearing failure. This entails a decrease in erection and, as a result, an even greater increase in anxiety. So because of the “first” time, you can drive yourself into a vicious circle of self-doubt.
If I recognized myself?
We will not say that everyone will be 100% affected by the first time. But if this happened and a person feels a negative impact on his sex life, do not be afraid. The main thing is to contact a specialist and work through the memories with him. Mere awareness in this story will not be enough.
How to plan the first sex?
The best thing every young man and woman can do for themselves is to take care of their first sexual experience. It is better if this happens to a loved one, and not just because the age has approached or everyone loses their virginity at graduation. No need to gain experience in advance anywhere. Do not worry about the first sex. This is inherent in nature, and everything will work out by itself. But here are the technical points worth considering thoroughly:
- where will it happen? The place should be safe and pleasant;
- how long will it last? There should be enough time, because the first time requires time and attention to each other;
- what can help us? It is worth thinking about taking a lubricant. Additional lubrication may come in handy;
- how do we plan to protect ourselves? It is necessary not only to take a condom, but also to check its expiration date. Many young people, when they are about to have sex for the first time, carry condoms with them for more than one year, wash them in a washing machine, and roast them in the open rays of the sun. And by the crucial moment they become absolutely unusable;
- what will we do if the girl gets pregnant? It is important to discuss equal responsibility in case fate turns out to be more cunning than all contraceptives.
The most important! The girl should have the right to stop the process at any time, even if she just changed her mind. The guy has to stop. Of course, if this is not a casual hookup for the sake of experience, and the couple has emotional intimacy and human relationships, then this should not be a problem. Nevertheless, it is very important to discuss this so that no one feels rejected. This is not only a guarantee of a respectful and caring attitude for a girl, but also for a young man. Because of the excitement, he may lose his erection, and only sincere trust and respect for his partner will stop the girl from laughing at the guy or humiliating him.
Cheating behind the eyes is no longer in trend!
“The last thing I want to say is that a new trend among young people is now gaining momentum. Its essence lies in the fact that the partners come to a mutual agreement to frankly discuss and agree: “Today we are together, but this is not forever. We will not cheat on each other, but if one of us decides to end the relationship, then we will discuss this in advance.” Sex is a continuation of close relationships, ”Olga concludes the conversation. Let it be.