If someone thinks that only women have a problem meeting their partner, and men are in chocolate in this matter, then they are mistaken. Looking at dating sites and listening to men, we can conclude that they, like women, are in search of “their” person. Men, like women, do not always know how to do this, despite the fact that at first glance everything is clear: give flowers, invite them to a restaurant, take them home. But this strategy leads many to disappointment: “I try, but it’s not good for them.” Aif.ru spoke with psychologist, author of the technique “So-I-Yes-transformation” Alexander Nekrasov-Thunderto find out what strategy men need to choose at the beginning of a relationship so as not to miss.
What drives men?
As a rule, the first thing that drives a man is a natural desire to “master a woman.” If it is not possible to do this immediately or in the short term, and the woman really likes it, then the man decides to achieve what he wants at almost any cost. It’s not bad if this natural desire is supplemented by the desire to take care of this particular, chosen woman. A man wants to achieve something for her, to achieve, to go somewhere. Because later it will become the foundation of their relationship.
Someone might think that this is a dependent position and a man should strive for something even without a woman, she is not needed for this. However, as a rule, a woman inspires a man to great success and achievement, because by his nature he can quite do with little. This aspect should not be overlooked.
She must be…
Sometimes a man looks for a woman by a set of parameters. Thus, he tries to protect himself from past mistakes. Unfortunately, it also finds a set of parameters, not a person. There is always a big difference between a list of expectations and what you end up with. The best way to find a woman is to talk to her. Everything people talk about on dates is a reflection of their basic needs. Further, the task of a man is to listen to himself: it is interesting for him to continue to communicate with this woman in order to understand her, or it is not interesting. Does he want to “perform a feat” for her sake? If you don’t feel like it for this, then you don’t need to torture yourself, invite the next one on a date. If absolutely all the women you meet on the way are uninteresting, then you should go to a psychologist to figure out why they are all so uninteresting or you come across only “fools”, “bores” or “money hunters”. Why is it that a man – an enviable groom who does not drink, does not smoke, has money, a car, an apartment – cannot find a suitable woman in any way? Maybe this suggests that a man is a master at choosing “fools”?
If a man is successful in different areas of life, but cannot create relationships with a woman just as successfully, this may indicate that he does not know some features and nuances that need to be known and understood.
“A woman needs to be pursued”
Among men, there are those who, from films or some other sources of information, have decided that a woman needs to be pursued for a long time and beautifully. Allegedly, if a woman says “no”, it means “yes”, but she does not know about it yet. Men begin to create the illusion of a beautiful relationship. As a result of such actions, the woman melts and says “yes”. The desire to achieve at any cost by creating a beautiful picture of yourself can be a wrong decision, which will eventually lead this couple to a dead end, and the man and woman will be disappointed in each other. This does not mean that a woman does not need to be courted and conquered. This means that at this moment you should not pretend and do what is unusual for you in ordinary life or what you will later regret. Because if a man plays the role of someone who is sure to please a woman, and then maintains this story in a relationship, then he cannot be himself at the same time. From this follows the conclusion that in such a relationship there can be no intimacy, because the man has deprived himself of the right to make a mistake. Even if a family appears and it has children, an apartment, a car, money, vacations, people still remain unfamiliar with each other, and after a while they part, not understanding what they still lacked. This is due to the fact that creating the illusion of an ideal man for a woman is one thing, but living and supporting her is another. It requires colossal efforts and the need to hide your fears, worries, pain and all that women do not really like to see in men, while maintaining a beautiful picture with pleasure.
Creating an illusion, a man begins to evaluate the relationship in terms of facts: he gave flowers, he had a smile, a house, a car, he has children. For some reason the feeling disappeared. Not really. They arise in the form of explosions of aggression. However, no one tells both men and women that if a person has strong anger without a threat to life, then he has accumulated it somewhere and periodically blows the fuse.
Only serious relationship
There is another story: when a man sorts out women, arguing that he needs “only a serious relationship.” If you ask what a person means by this phrase, it turns out that a man is looking for what he did not receive in communication with his mother, and then in all subsequent relationships: absolute acceptance. The result and at the same time the consequence of such a position can be two aspects:
- incomplete separation with mom. Then the man is looking for a woman who looks like his mother. Having found it, he subconsciously transfers his childhood expectations to her. A man wants her to fully accept him, and he hers.
- disappointment in previous relationships, unlived pain and the inability to emotionally put an end to it.
Because of this, a man may have high expectations or dissatisfaction with a woman who is still unfamiliar to him.
Who are we looking for: our soul mate or a complete person?
When there are internal unresolved difficulties or voids, a person begins to look for his “half”, thus trying to fill in himself something missing from the whole at the expense of another person. When meeting, the two “halves” spend their time and energy on growing themselves up to whole personalities. However, this is more like torment than love and pleasure. If a couple is lucky and two whole people meet, who in themselves are meaning-forming, then they begin to act, directing their activity to increase energy and resources in a couple.
This is important to understand when expectations and fantasies that a partner will make you happy break into reality, consisting of quarrels, claims, insults, and accusations. In order to get joy and acceptance in a relationship, you must first learn how to do it for yourself. And only the next step will be to give to another and receive from him.
Take me for who I am
Often women complain about the passivity of men. Like, he says: “I like it, take it. If you don’t like it, don’t take it.” A very good question for both men and women: “Will you go with me like this?” If everyone cannot answer this question unequivocally “yes”, then it’s not worth wasting time on each other. In order to answer, it is important to understand how open you can be with this person? How does it open up to you? It’s the most important. You can create a beautiful picture at the beginning of a relationship and even reach the wedding, have children, but how then to live in this? Everyone on their own? There is nothing wrong with the statement “take me as I am”. Another thing is how a person adequately evaluates himself and what he is like? What does he think another can take from his company? Is there something interesting there? Is it possible to be silent together? How can another person feel next to who I am? All these questions are not about property and the amount of money in the account.
Relationships are about the here and now. This is what a person stipulates or does not stipulate, shares or does not share, is afraid or not afraid. Can a man afford to say that he has fears (that he is afraid that she will cheat on him or is afraid that she will forbid meeting friends). Men have many fears, but they do not voice them. It is important that a man can share it. No one will give any guarantees, but it will help to see how much a woman understands this at all. Only an open, honest dialogue will help you recognize and see your woman, but this requires a desire to open up.
Source: aif.ru
